What NOT to Say to a Biker

Every biker has one, no matter who you are, no matter what you ride, no matter where you work - every biker has one. And if you're a biker, you know just what - and who - I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy who will always, and I mean ALWAYS, say the exact same freakin' thing every time, and I mean EVERY TIME, the weather outside sucks.

If it's raining, he'll come up to you and say, "SO, YOU DIDN'T RIDE THAT BIKE TODAY, DID YA?"

If it's cold as hell outside, he'll come up to you and say, "SO, YOU DIDN'T RIDE THAT BIKE TODAY, DID YA?"

If the wind is blowing in gale force strength, he'll come up to you and say, "SO, YOU DIDN'T RIDE THAT BIKE TODAY, DID YA?"

If it's snowing like hell outside and only a moron would be driving much less riding, he'll come up to you and say, "SO, YOU DIDN'T RIDE THAT BIKE TODAY, DID YA?"

I've got one at my store, and I'm just about ready to pop his head like a zit the next time he says that to me.

And that time was almost tonight when, on the way out the door and it's cold as hell outside with snow being predicted for later tonight, Mr. Happy walks up to me and says.....well, you know what he said by now, right?

So for those of you who don't ride and have a biker where you work, for your own safety here's a short list of things NOT to say to a biker.

1) First and foremost, if the weather sucks outside, don't ask us if we rode the bike today. Only a very small percentage of us will willingly ride in the rain, so your chances are better than average that if it's raining outside, then no, genius, we didn't ride. So don't ask. DON'T. FUCKIN'. ASK.

2) If you see us ride up and the name "HARLEY-DAVIDSON" is emblazoned on the gas tank of the bike, don't walk up and ask, "SO, IS THAT A HARLEY?"

3) If you see us walking around wearing a Harley-Davidson shirt, a Harley-Davidson hat, and boots with a Harley-Davidson logo on them, don't walk up and ask, "SO, DO YOU RIDE A HARLEY?"

4) If you see us getting ready to walk out of the door to our bike and we've got on a full rain suit because it's raining like hell outside and we got caught at work in it when it wasn't supposed to rain and we have no other way to get home BUT to ride the bike, don't walk up and ask, "SO, ARE YOU GONNA RIDE THE BIKE IN THE RAIN?"

5) On the flip side of the coin, if it's raining outside and we walk in dripping, soaking, sopping wet, if you value your life don't walk up and ask, "SO, IS IT RAINING OUTSIDE?"

6) Don't ask us if we're in the Hell's Angels. Chances are better than average that if we're not wearing the colors, we're not in the Angels.

7) If you see us walking around carrying a helmet, don't walk up and ask, "SO, DO YOU RIDE A MOTORCYCLE?" This will get you killed in some states.

8) And last but not least, don't ever, and I mean EVER, ask a biker if you can sit on his bike. The answer is a big, fat, fuckin' NO!

OK, I feel better now!

IHC