In the 55 years I've been walking around on this big blue ball we call home I've seen my fair share of stupid TV programs. First there was "My Mother, The Car" from the 1960s, followed by "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "Gilligan's Island." Yeah, I know, these last two are considered two of the biggest comedy hits in the history of TV, but I always thought they were both stupid as hell. After all, how long do you think it would take to figure out how a doorbell works, and if the Professor could build a radio out of coconuts then how come he couldn't fix the damned boat? But I digress...
Fast forward to 2012, skipping past such other "hits" like "The Simpsons," "American Dad," and my personal favorite for second place "Stupidest Show on TV" which is "Family Guy," and that brings you to our grand-prize winner, the absolute STUPIDEST show on TV, hands down. And the name of the show?
"FINDING BIGFOOT."
If you haven't seen this miscarriage of modern entertainment and you're in the mood for a good laugh, or you just feel like having justification for calling someone a stupid son of a bitch and a freakin' idiot, then this is the show for you!
The show is about a group of people, two guys and a girl, who spend their time traveling around the county "looking for Bigfoot." The two guys are "Bigfoot Experts" (never mind that they've never actually SEEN one), and the girl is there as a non-believer to add credibility to their "findings." The head "expert" is a tall, fat, dopey, hippie-looking dude with long, frizzy hair that looks like it's never seen a brush or a comb; on top of that he's prone to wearing those mesh-backed trucker's hats with the foam fronts from the 1980s that only make him look like more of an idiot than he actually is. He goes by the nickname of "Bobo" (which should in all reality be "Dodo," because that's what he is) and proudly claims that he's been researching Bigfoot for 25 years. And THAT, dear friends and neighbors, is what makes him an "expert."
Never mind that in the 25 years he's been "researching" Bigfoot he's never seen one, never heard one that he could prove, never found ANY physical evidence save for some suspicious footprints, and never found any bones or the body of a dead one. Never mind all that, he's still an "expert," and if you don't believe that then all you have to do is ask him and he'll tell you.
Right.
To this clown, everything is "Squatchy." That's one of his two favorite words, "Squatchy." Every time he says that word it makes me want to rip my ears off and puke, it really does. He goes into a stand of damp, wet forest and immediately declares that "this area is really squatchy!" He finds a portion of forest that's remote and far away from people, and declares that "yeah, this place is really squatchy!"
His other favorite word is "Squatch" or the plural version, "Squatches." In the episode I had the misfortune to see today while I was at home for lunch, Dodo and his other two idiots were walking through a national forest and stumbled across some kind of structure that looked like a teepee, only made out of branches instead of canvas. So what's the first thing Dodo declares? "This is a Squatch hunting blind!" When someone asks him what he thinks a Bigfoot likes to eat, he declares with the certainty of Einstein explaining the Theory of Relativity that "Squatches love bacon!" In another instance in the same episode today, they come across what looked to be a deer carcass or something like that. To the average person it looked like a wolf got to it, but to Dodo that wasn't it...nooo, it wasn't, not by a long shot. "This is a Squatch kill, that's what this is!" he declares. And even worse, in one episode he and his band of merry idiots were next to a lake when Dodo pops up and says, "This is how Squatches fish!"
But my favorite example is when Dodo and his other morons stand out in the woods in the middle of the night, yelling and hollering like a couple of idiots - which they are - explaining that "this is how a Squatch calls its mate!" and hoping for a reply. When they actually do hear some kind of cry in what may or may not be an actual reply - which has only happened once that I know of - they immediately declare "that's a Squatch answering us!" without having any idea at all of what is making the noise or of where it is. It could be another idiot, a local yokel this time, out in the woods doing the same thing they are, but they immediately classify it as a real, genuine Bigfoot!
I only have one question for Dodo, one very simple, logical question: HOW DO YOU KNOW? JUST HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW? Having never seen one, found any remains, found any physical evidence, never seen anything even remotely close to actual, indisputable evidence, just how the freaking hell do you know how a Bigfoot fishes? How do you know how it hunts, how it kills, and how it mates? You claim to know all this, but HOW?
I'll tell you how - YOU DON'T. PERIOD. You're an idiot with a dream, so deeply caught up in your dream that you absolutely refuse to see reality for what it is, that reality being that you're nothing more than a fat buffoon with bad hair romping and stomping around in the woods, making a fool out of yourself on national television.
And the really sad thing is that not only do people believe you, somebody decided to give you your own TV show and you're actually getting paid for it.
Jeez.
At this point I feel I must answer the two questions that are going through your minds, so here are the answers.
NO, I don't watch the show - my wife does. I don't suffer fools well, but she thinks it's funny as hell and laughs her ass off every time the show comes on. Guess she has a better sense of humor than I do. (But then, she laughs at fart jokes, too...)
YES, I think it's possible that a Bigfoot-type creature exists. I'm quite sure that there are still things on our planet that we haven't discovered quite yet, and Bigfoot may very well be one of them. But still, you have to ask yourself one question: we've found the bodies and remains of every kind of creature known to mankind, including prehistoric ones, yet no one has ever - EVER - found the body of a dead Bigfoot. You can't help but wonder about that, now can you?
Maybe we'll get really, really lucky and somebody will come up with some good, solid video of a Bigfoot - killing and eating Dodo.
Now THAT I would pay to see!
IHC
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